Mom is getting restless.  I’ve been expecting it in a way.  I can tell when I talk to her on the phone that it frustrates her when she can’t follow our conversation or put it in some sort of order.  I believe she understands her inability to connect and communicate and as it gets worse, the more agitated she becomes. 

I’ve written about Sanna Jean here before.  I am having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that my mother is gone, almost always, but she’s still alive and breathing.  I often wonder what would happen if I could give her the gift of being lucid for one minute and then ask her if she wants to stay alive or die.  How would she answer?  Mom has always had a difficult time with illness and death.  But she has also said to me she wouldn’t want to live on life support.  Either way, neither option is a good one.   

Besides, Mom could have an internal life I know nothing about.  Perhaps she’s in a constant dream state.  What frustrates me is, not knowing if Mom’s okay “in there.”  Is Alzheimer’s caused by a lifetime of memories, memory overload?  What non-verbal parts of the brain are still active? 

Do some research, you might say to me. . . 

Here’s the thing - I gave up on research after reading so many different experts.  I decided that while my views weren’t entirely medically based, they made as much sense to me as the ones that were.  I know just enough biology, thanks to those pre-med classes in my first year of college, to hold my own and to explore new advances.  Alzheimer’s research is rarely about what the patient is experiencing, inside her mind - which is different to me from her brain.  And what about the spirit?  The spirit of Mom?  She had the biggest spirit, the most exciting and maddening spirit of anyone I’ve ever known.  Is she still attached to it? 

All this is on my mind tonight because I miss her, I miss Mom.  And I can’t figure out what happened to her brain.  Does it have anything to do with all the concussions she received during one of her marriages?  Football players who have had multiple concussions are experiencing memory loss.  Why not Mom?  Or is it genes?  The environment?  Or just a planned vacation from her life before the end?

Sweet dreams, Mom.  I am David, your son. 

copyright, 2011

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 16th, 2011 at 9:55 pm and is filed under David's Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.