June, 2014

Crying Out Loud

Sunday, June 29th, 2014

There are times when love fills me so robustly that I can barely catch my breath, like my love for Luke or my love for friends who may not even know I love them because I am quieter about love now that I am older - for whatever damn reason.

There are times when I succumb to the despair that whispers inside me, the despair I feel around people I love who are irresponsible with my desires as if my quiet and observant nature is an invitation for them to ignore me and run roughshod over my raw nerve-endings. I know one thing, despair is a distraction that will destroy me in the long run but for short periods of time it is manageable because…

there are times when I struggle against the tide of worrying about why I am not more successful and that worry corresponds directly to the beseeching looks I get from people who are thinking the same thing.

There are times when I think I am paranoid.

Ouch.

There are times when the countless books I read disappoint me. But every now and then a book, a popular and bestselling novel in this instance, comes along and outpaces my expectations for it. I am speaking of “The Fault In Our Stars” by John Green. Anyone who reads my Bloggy Blog will certainly have heard of this novel and will most likely have read it and may have seen the film adaptation, out a few weeks now. I have not seen the film so I do not know if my favorite passage from the novel shows up there or not but here it is in all its glory (and I am not being facetious):

“The real heroes anyway aren’t the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention.”

There are times, Almost All Of The Time, to be honest, when my Singular Joy is NOTICING things. Whether or not I am a hero is a question for others. The question of my NOTICING things is another story, my story,

crying

out

loud.